Election special - If the main parties were beers

As the election looms, many an armchair commentator will be looking at the telly and drinking beer in quiet despair as British democracy once again ferments into a grand piss up of negativity, corruption and the sort of promises even your alcoholic mate Dave wouldn't make. Whoever gets in, at least there will still be beer. But which brew would be the best fit for each party?

Labour: John Smiths
The traditional favourite of the working man, but now increasingly a less popular choice given the more interesting alternatives on the market. Nostalgic supporters seem to believe that the beer used to be stronger and more distinct. Despite not being totally convincing, still the choice of many who don’t see many tastier options at their local.


Conservatives: Miller Lite

An American beer for this British institution you ask? Actually, the Tories and the world’s second biggest beer company are a perfect match. The beer itself is pale, tasteless and slightly bitter, while even long standing fans wonder whether this version has any strength or character. Nevertheless, huge financial backing and brazen marketing continue to make the brand successful, in spite of a growing knowledge that the true beneficiaries are the tax cheat owners who run the show.

Liberal Democrats: Carling Black Label

Once a great deal more popular, the brand is waning at present, largely due to a realization that it is lacking in any distinct flavour or identity. Nevertheless, this straw-coloured mediocrity is still a tempting option for people who can’t make their minds up.

UKIP: Spitfire Ale

Traditional, British to the core and very bitter, this is the drop of choice for the publican who likes to believe that everything was better thirty years ago, before the rise of continental Europe. Builds up a decent head when poured, but tends to go flat quite quickly. Popular in Kent, where it brews unchecked.

Green Party: St Peter’s Organic Ale

Created by conscientious folks with organic ingredients, this is an option to appeal to those with unashamedly alternative tastes. Comparatively cleaner and more ethical than the rest, but perhaps too hoppy and specialized to really break into the mainstream.

Britain First: Special Brew


Strong, uncompromising and repugnant to most. Sadly still habit-forming for those of a destructive nature.